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Tendency toward equilibrium.

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1/31/07 06:20 pm

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1/29/07 05:26 am

As an attempt to only say things that matter, I won't be writing here anymore.

scapeghost
Add it.

1/27/07 02:22 am - One more.

11. Me + Norelle + Chelsea + Sheena + Carianne + Rochester + H&M = What is sure to be the most amazing all-girl shopping extravaganza in history. I am seriously looking forward to it soo much. I don't spend nearly enough time doing shamelessly girly things with other ladies.

Though, Sheena and I cuddled under blankets tonight with various forms on chocolate and TV on DVD. Such things are encouraging proof that my girlbonds are indeed improving.

1/26/07 01:10 am

1. I have so many secrets. It's silly. I wonder how I must seem to other people. Simple, probably.

2. I haven't been able to sleep. I've been operating on an average of two hours of sleep a day for the last week or so.

3. I'm happy to be back in school. It's nice to have something productive to focus on. It's good to be working toward some sort of future, no matter how abstract.

4. I've been scratching myself in my sleep. I have these long, scabbed scratches all over my body. Some of them hurt. My mother says it's due to dry skin.

5. I went and saw some dumb move this evening, because it was free. I wish I had spent my time doing something else. I feel like I waste so much time. Probably because I do waste so much fucking time. I hope I never find myself on my deathbed, because all I would have to reflect on are millions on bad movies and endless livejournal friends pages.

6. I hate English classes because I feel this totally ridiculous need to do better than exceptionally well and it stresses me out.

7. Frozen fruit is delicious.

8. Lately I've been occasionally eating non-vegan, provided the food is free and sweet (cake = yes, pizza = no). I really want to stop doing that. I think I will just plain cut out sweets for a couple weeks, and take it from there. I am eating way too much processed sugar as of late anyway.

9. I am now the proud parent of an Ipod Nano. So Exciting.

10. It is so cold outside. I want to die, but only until spring comes.

1/23/07 03:22 pm - Tell All Your Friends

There has been one constant for the last five years: There is nothing more enjoyable than turning up Taking Back Sunday as loud as possible and screaming along even louder. My sixteen year old self had the best taste in music. Ever.

1/14/07 04:32 am - Seventeen and beautiful.

She remembered home as only degrees of summer. Entire afternoons devoted to a single green apple, the swirling clouds in glass jars of water that always resolved themselves in purples with each dip of her brush. Ben, the teenage drag race casualty, with his slow suited way and sudden smile or Albert, the teenage drag race champion, always in a different nice shirt that never fit right. They'd both stop by without anything much to say but a whole lot of questions if and when they'd ever chance upon each other.

---

The first time I heard that song was in the back seat of Eric's van. We were on our way to Denny's and I don't remember who exactly was with us. But I do remember the lights on Genesee Street, and deciding it was the best song I had ever heard because everything always sounds better when Eric is driving.

1/8/07 04:04 am

About three years ago, I saw Igby Goes Down and decided that I related to Igby more than I had ever related to a character in a movie. I re-watched the movie recently and didn't like it nearly as much as I had then and could not understand how I ever related to Igby in any way.

Tonight, I watched My Girl for the first time in at least ten years and decided I relate to Vada Sultenfuss more than I ever have to any character in any movie, or any character in any book, or anyone I have ever met. I decided the same thing when I was nine. It was a bit of a transcending experience, both tonight and when I was nine years old.

1/1/07 03:00 pm

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12/30/06 10:55 pm - Does anyone even read this?

If you want brownies, you should head down to 99. I just pulled the most amazing-smelling batch out of the oven and they're about to make their way down the street. And they're vegan!

12/20/06 11:28 am - You're a long ways away from the place you thought you'd be by now.

I don't really think anymore. I've been reading through old journals I've kept and they were all so full. My mind was always buzzing and all I ever wanted was to turn it off. Now that it seems I have, I feel sort of empty.

I want to be done with this part of my life. I want to look back and say, "Remember when I lived on Custer St. and read ya fiction and watched bad movies everyday? That was so funny!"

I want all the people I used to love back. I've realized it's more than trying to rebuild bonds. Everyone has changed, and maybe I have too. It just doesn't work anymore.

I have more friends than I have ever had, and have been in a relationship for longer than I ever have before, but I think I'm more lonely than I've ever been. It's not like when I was seventeen and angsty. When I would tell Eric I was so lonely but really it would be okay because he understood everything. This is real, and solid, and more full of plain fact than sadness. I don't have a friend to tell who will understand everything. Maybe someone might understand something, but I don't tell anyone anything, and that's the point.

It amazes me how terrible I've become at putting a coherent thought together, let alone making that thought grammatically correct.

12/18/06 12:27 am - Oh irony.

I read this article right after practicing.... the multiplication table.

12/10/06 03:52 pm

We've replenished our supply of Annie's Naturals ketchup and suddenly life is so much better.

12/7/06 02:02 pm - Look at yourself

I've decided "Sleep the Clock Around" is my current theme song. It seems incredibly fitting, and sort of telling, that it also played a key part in the soundtrack of my seventeen-year-old life.


And the moment will come when composure returns,
put a face on the world, turn your back to the wall.
And you walk twenty yards with your head in the air,
down the Liberty Hill, where the fashion brigade
look with curious eyes on your raggedy way.
But for once in your life you've got nothing to say.
And could this be the time when somebody will come
to say, "Look at yourself, you're not much use to anyone."

Take a walk in the park, take a valium pill,
read the letter you got from the memory girl.
But it takes more than this to make sense of the day.
Yeah, it takes more than milk to get rid of the taste.
And you trusted to this, and you trusted to that,
and when you saw it all come, it was waving the flag
of the United States of Calamity, hey!
After all that you've done, boy, I know you're going to pay.

In the morning you come to the ladies salon
to get all fitted out for the paperback throne.
But the people are living far away from the place
where you wanted to help, you're a bit of a waste.
And the puzzle will last till somebody will say,
"There's a lot to be done while your head is still young."
If you put down your pen, leave the worries behind,
then the moment will come, and the memory will shine.

Now the trouble is over, everybody got paid,
everybody is happy, they are glad that they came.
Then you go to the place where you've finally found
you can look at yourself... sleep the clock around.

11/27/06 02:14 pm

I made a pumpkin cheezecake for Thanksgiving and it turned out amazing. Everyone said it was the best pumpkin pie they'd ever had, even my momm, who normally won't even touch anything with tofu in it and started gagging the first time she tried to make me tofu, when I was sixteen. AND I know they weren't lying because it was honestly the best pumkpin pie I had ever had also. It was pretty awesome because it was the first pie, let alone vegan pie, that I had ever made from scratch.

Things have been pretty sucky otherwise. Everything has been fine with me, personally. But there's a lot of terrible things going on with everyone else.

11/20/06 01:40 am

I have a real, actual, reality-based, attainable goal that I am actually excited about for the first time in pretty much my entire life. I'm not going to go wrecking things by talking about it, but if this all works out everything will be fine.

11/8/06 10:20 pm

I had a dream last night that Derek left me for another girl. The only explanation he gave was that her butt was better than mine. Some time during the dream I walked in on the two of them. They were lying in bed and both fully clothed. Derek was on his side, facing the girl, and she was laying on her stomach. He was patting her butt. I ran out of the room sobbing, realizing my butt, and thus my whole self, was completely inadequate. I woke up soon after. Derek assured me that my butt is his favorite.

11/8/06 02:05 pm

I just realized that the highly personal, yet (I'll admit) highly cryptic, post I made a few days ago had a typo in it, rendering it completely nonsensical. Seems to be the overall theme of my life.

11/7/06 12:13 am

Celestial Seasonings is currently on sale at tops for 2/$4. When you buy just one box ($2), the register spits out a coupon for $1 off two boxes. Which means you can then go back and buy two more for $3. THAT'S THREE BOXES FOR $5!

11/5/06 02:52 pm - ...by all accounts, pretty fucked up. And not in the good way.

I've finally come to accept that the last constant left is no longer. It isn't as terrible as I had always thought it would be. Kind of refreshing, actually.

10/31/06 07:53 pm

I've been busying myself with things that don't matter now but might someday. I want to be somewhere with more trees and bluer skies and Elizabeth. Basically.
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